Sunday, November 2, 2008

#9: Kitchen Top-Ups and Get-togethers



From weddings to Kitchen Parties to Kitchen Top-ups and Bridal Showers, NW's like every excuse to go out there and get-together. Of all the above-mentioned above, one having been banned by the Church (Kitchen Parties)for lewdness, the most interesting for me is the Top-up.

At first they were called Kitchen Top-ups. That's when you see your kitchen appliances falling apart and you invite your friends to bring you replacements, at their own expense. you wine and dine and then you receive brand-new replacements. Smart or what. You go NW's for shrewdness!

pic from online

Friday, October 31, 2008

#8: Weird T-Shirts from BDB's


Now, I like Kaunjika, don't get me wrong. I've picked some of my best clothes from sundry Bend-Down Boutiques or as Chuckie would call them, "Sunshine Boutiques". Now the problem comes in when NW's go picking clothes. Clothes are never categorized (you have to know exactly what you are looking for)they are just put in piles. Say, for jeans, you'll find a huge pile. T-Shirts, dresses, skirts, etc. piles, piles, piles and you have to sort through them for the most appealing. I once saw an NW confidently strutting in silk pj's but that's a story for another day, we're talking about BDB Tees today. Specifically the Tees NW's buy from BDB's.

Yesterday, on my way somewhere I saw a sensible looking lady wearing a lovely tee but with a peculiar message on it. The first word started with S and ended with X. it was a three letter word. and the rest of the message read "& Music". Now, why must a sensible NW buy and walk around in such a Tee?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

#7. Having a Maid



NW's can do everything on their own but one day somebody came and whispered, "No you can't, girl, what's wrong with you, YOU NEED A MAID!!!" So that started it all, NW's decided life cannot be normal unless they hire a maid. Now(in fact this has happened since indipendence) you see dainty women in uniforms like the one posted here weaving in and out of the nice neighborhoods and plain-clothed ones dengu pamutu ulendo ku chigayo in the not so nice neighborhoods. Doing all the necessary things NW's should at least try to do for themselves like doing the laundry, walking kids to school, cooking, etc.

Why is it so, I don't really get it, maybe if you have like 7 kids and two jobs and a traveling hubby. I am of the opinion that it's alright to have someone who comes to do your domestic chores for you twice a week. That way you are keeping someone in employment, albeit a part-time employment, and at the same time you are taking responsibility for your and your family's lifestyle needs. I suppose some can't do without it, kaya zanu izo NW's!

Next up, the love for the "Sofia shoe"

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

#6: Shopping from the Bus


In our land bus trips are pretty unique. We have a road that goes straight up and down the country. It’s called the M1 road. So if you are going from Blantyre to Lilongwe or Mzuzu, you go either up or down the M1 road. Now at points along this road are places where SMART people sell fresh produce to people with loads of cash traveling in buses that don’t, in fact, need these carrots, green peppers, garlic, potatoes, onions, fruits of various kinds, and tomatoes. I need those SMARTS, selling people what they don’t really need.

They just arrange them oh! so beautifully and place them place smaller amounts in buckets, basins, or baskets that they carry to each bus that stops at those points. Lots of NM’s but especially NW’s have a spare amount of cash that they have especially set aside that they will splurge on these fresh produce sellers.

“Kuno! Tomato! Mukupanga bwanji?”
“200 Kwacha yenseyi!”

I am yet to figure out if it’s cheaper to buy from these points, or excuse me, they have names, let’s see: Zalewa, Zalewa Road Block, Tsangano, Bembeke, Lizulu, Nathenje, Jenda etc. But hey, when you can shop from the comfort of a bus, maybe price doesn’t matter, you feel like a tourist. Maybe that should be put on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: “being a tourist”.

Anywho, that’s number 6.
NW’s when are we going out there to Bembeke again?

pic: Briana

Thursday, October 16, 2008

#5: Big Brother Africa



Our NM’s enjoy blood battles… the kinds that involve the English Premier League (think Liverpool, Man U, Chelsea, etc), the World Cup, Africa Nations Cup, Cosafa Cup, the soccer cup list is endless. They enjoy scraping their money together to make a trip to the local soccer hangouts. The affluent ones head out to spots like Moneymen and Alexanderz. For the imbibers, rounds of strong drinks circulate as they cheer on 20 men chasing a ball as 2 men try to keep a tiny ball out of the wide rectangle behind them.

We laugh at them as they talk about Fabregas as if they know him personally, offer tips to Benitez as if he were actually in the room…but NM’s passions are not restricted to soccer, many follow local and international basketball, golf, tennis, athletics, etc. What keeps NW’s busy as these men while their time away watching, or come to think of it, playing all these “life and death” games. The answer to some NW's is Big Brother Africa. Now having been a Big Brother addict myself in the past, I’ll break it down for ya.

First, Big Brother Africa gives NW’s an opportunity for daily free psycho-analysis practicals. The object of the psych-analysis practicals? 12 housemates locked-up willingly in a house of 90+ days. An example of a conversation between NW’s that love BBA (Big Brother Africa) would go like this,
“Did you see how ….?”
“Oh, yes, I actually stayed up to make sure I watch the entire conversation.”
“So what did you think? I knew that housemate had a vendetta against the other housemate….”

Secondly, I don’t know what it is but watching other people’s problems distances us from our own,
“ Ah, that Housemate, do you notice that s/he has issues, let me tell you what I’ve learned about him/her…..”

Thirdly, if a given NW’s life is bordering on boredom, she may choose to live vicariously through one of the characters in the House

Lastly, and most importantly, it’s a substitute for shopping. NW’s, like all other women, enjoy shopping. BBA gives u the “fantastic” opportunity to use your power (read MONEY) to evict a housemate. As the mobile companies get richer by the hour, NW’s that follow the show look forward to Sunday night AKA Eviction night when KB says to NW’s pleasure,
“Africa YOU have voted. YOU have spoken. And leaving the show tonight thanks to YOU is… [drum roll]… X!!
To which the said NW’s cheer,
“Ndinadziwa, sindinawononge voti yanga!”

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

# 4: Wearing a Frown


I used to do this myself when I was growing up. I would frown at everything and everyone. It didn't matter if there was no sun, or that I wasn't trying to read something, or that there was nothing wrong, I would just walk around straight frowning. One day my dad reprimanded me about it (plus it wasn't exactly photogenic). So I avoid it now.

But I notice easily how so many of NW wear a frown,for many of them it's a permanent. I resorted to making the sign of the smile at them but now I've grown weary. Too much work. The worst ones are the ones are frowners that go about driving/riding in cars. They frown at you as you walk on the pavement. makes you ask yourself, "Are they disgusted that I'm walking? Is the sun in their eyes? Are they sucking on lemons? Do I look terrible? Do I look too fabulous?"

Then you just sigh and say, "Ah, well! I'll never know?"

Thursday, October 9, 2008

#3: (Sometimes) Wondering Why a Brotha didn't Pick u

This is supposed to be for fun, remember, if you end up frowning, shame on you! LoL

Here goes #3 on the list.

It used to be that we used to see some of our Nyasaland Men (NM) marrying outside the country. Even as far away as Europe, Asia, and America. The NM standard then was a sound college education post-grad being a preference, well-spoken in the Queen's language, and good dress sense. I was born in the old capital and that's still a University town so I know what I'm talking about.

These days it's not just the "successful". All NM's have their choice, whether to marry an NW or an NNW (Non-Nyasaland Woman). How do we NW's react? It varies by and large. Some get angry as they feel NNW's set too high a standard and the competition is unfair. Some adopt an inferiority complex. Some start to do the same and start to only date NNM's. Chill ladies, it's a free world!

How do I react? I've learned that people will marry who they will and for whatever motives, good or bad. NW's who will you marry and why? How do you regard yourself as a human being? Don't let it be dictated by complexes ma'am! I think there is an advantage to these brotha's marrying abroad - it helps us learn about ourselves. Who are WE?

#2: FW: Forwarded Emails


pic: wazzzat.com

It still amazes me, the creativity of forwarded messages as I read each new one I receive. Some are full of encouragement, some full of advice, some of funny pictures and articles, some sent by con artists, etc. NW like forwarding messages to each other's in boxes. I don't know how many like to actually receive these "forwards" as they tend to flood in boxes (suppose ten of you NW friends forward you one a day, that's ten forwards and you have to hunt through those to find your "real" emails, which may be a solitary one!). I do know that at least every NW I know has forwarded at least on "forward".

I personally like forwards, with one exception, the ones that threaten you with bad luck if you don't sent to 10 people or more. Ugh! I hate those, they spoil the good message usually contained in the message itself. Viva la forwarde!!

Here is a sample of one of my very favorites!:

"THIS TURNED OUT TO BE SO DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE..IT IS A WONDERFUL WONDERFUL MESSAGE AND IF YOU THINK IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH 'REAL BOYFRIENDS' YOU WILL BE SURPRISED AT THE END.....ENJOY"



Once upon a time there was a girl who had four boyfriends.

She loved the fourth boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.

She also loved the third boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.

She also loved her second boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult

times.

The girl's first boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him!

One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, 'I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.'

Thus, she asked the fourth boyfriend, 'I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'No way!', replied the fourth boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.

His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart..

The sad girl then asked the third boyfriend, 'I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'No!', replied the third boyfriend. 'Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!'

Her heart sank and turned cold.

She then asked the second boyfriend, 'I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?'

'I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!', replied the second boyfriend. 'At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave.'

His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated..

Then a voice called out: 'I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go.'

The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.

Greatly grieved, the girl said, 'I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!'

In truth, you have four boyfriends in your lives:

Your fourth boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.

Your third boyfriend

is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go to others.

Your second boyfriend is

your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.

And your first boyfriend is your spirit. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the

world.

However, your spirit is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate,

strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.

Thought for the day : Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray .

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

# 1 The Bad: Hating on Dark Skinned Sistah's

I'll start with the bad, sorry! Hating on dark-skinned sistah's is something NW have taken a liking to. I don't know where it came from but the "kodi ndi oyera ngati ine?" attitude hasn't been helped much by the advent of fairness creams. Now in some circles, fair skinned NW's are deemed beautiful just by virtue of them being fair. And dark ones, well, have to prove their beauty. They grow longer hair etc. I think the advantage darker ones have is that teeth show whiter though, I'll confess, I'm rather dark and have had to adopt the saying "Black is beautiful" to make myself feel better. But to heck with that, beauty is neither fair nor dark!

Check out this billboard depicting the joy one has when their face is fairer. Ah, ha ha ha, nsambi!! :-) I got this online so it's not here in Nyasaland that this billboard was erected. Koma zinazi!!!! I hope the advertisers responsible won't be as mad at me as I am at them!